In the months since Charlotte became free I have been on a constant quest for several things. One of the things I have been on a quest for is freedom. I am not sure what the freedom represents, or comes from, but it has resulted in a massive purge of the excess of things in our home. Three years of not clearing things out, meaning attached to things that are just "things", and the endless accumulation of things to try for Charlotte has lead to an overflowing home. In truth, I am not the same person I was before and so many of the things that I had once attached meaning and significance to, now mean nothing. And so I have been working these past few months to empty out, and free us of the heaviness "things" bring us.
Another thing I am constantly on a quest for is signs. Signs from both Charlotte and my dad, signs to let me know they are ok, signs to let me know that they are still with me, signs to fill my empty soul. My dad has been quite good at leaving pennies when I need them most, I have quite the jar going, and from Charlotte I find feathers here and there, and sparkles every once in a while, but honestly I am often so lost in my grief I am sure that I am missing some of her important messages she is leaving me or guiding me to see.
The other day I was working on threading through our gigantic book collection for a project I am working on - more on that at a later date, and I came across a book that I felt very compelled to open and read. I honestly cannot remember if I ever read it to Charlotte or not, it was hidden behind a stack of other bigger more favorite books in our home, but for some reason I sat down and opened it up and began to read. Instantaneously I knew this was from her, she had guided my heart to find it, a precious gift from my littlest love. As I read the pages I initially thought it was me saying the words to her, but then I quickly realized it was also her sending the words to me. It was meant for both of us, and it transcends into the Heavenly space that is now her home. I am so moved by the book I now keep it at my bedside and read it daily, I am going to share it below. The words couldn't be more true. Love can go anywhere, and is everywhere, and is not lost in death.
Wherever You Are, my love will find you
By Nancy Tillman
"I wanted you more
than you will ever know,
so I sent love to follow
wherever you go.
It's high as you wish. It's quick as an elf.
You'll never outgrow it...it stretches itself!
So climb any mountain...
climb up to the sky!
My love will find you.
My love can fly!
Make a big splash! Go out on a limb!
My love will find you. My love can swim!
It never gets lost, never fades, never ends...
if you're working...
or sitting with friends.
You can dance 'til your dizzy...
paint 'til your blue...
There's no place, not one
that my love can't find you.
And if someday you're lonely,
or someday you're sad,
or you strike out at baseball,
or think you've been bad...
just lift up your face, feel the wind in your hair.
That's me, my sweet baby, my love is right there.
In the green of the grass...in the smell of the sea...
in the clouds floating by...at the top of a tree...
in the sound crickets make at the end of the day...
You are loved. You are loved. You are loved, they all say.
My love is so high, and so wide, and
so deep, it's always right there, even when you're asleep.